Quote Un'Quote

Life is Unfair
Everyone Struggles
Let's Not Make That An Excuse

May 9, 2010

It's Complicated

I have a question that has been lingering over my mind for quite some time.  I am not sure if I would be able to put it in the right words, but a man gotta try, right?

Do you think that there should be any kind of restrictions on married couples when they go out with their friend of the opposite sex? or to put it more aptly would you have a problem with your wife/husband going out with an opposite sex friend for outings like movie, party, etc. more than once?  Does that amounts to infidelity even though the relationship between them is of “friends”?

I may sound naïve when I put that out, but I do believe most of the people don’t know how to handle these issues.  In a way I am trying to find an answer and a solution too perhaps…

My friend hangs out at times with a married friend of his for movies or simply hanging out.  I asked my friend if her husband knows and he replied in affirmative and I kind of find that weird.  I think anyone would find it suspicious if their partner starts going out with someone else.  I even asked the friend in question if he would be okay with such an arrangement with his future wife and he said no.
 
I can understand the part where one goes out for some work/meeting after long time but when they go out to “enjoy”, do the meaning changes? or is it because we look it in a way that is considered as “immoral”?
 
What are your thoughts on this and how a spouse could handle it in a better way? Would like to hear about it.
 
PS:  On a completely different note, I got a Cherry on Top award from Dreamygal which came as a pleasant surprise :)

29 comments:

rohini said...

nice topic u chose man....its quite a debatable and a topic which can create controversy...
on the topic ...its an obivious reaction...no one would like or accept such thing to happen ..infact i would also nt like...work and enjoyment are two diferent thing....although i may sound backward..but its the reality...this feeling doesnt come just coz of insecurity but also coz love ........love cant be shared....although i wont mind healthy flirting by him with another girl....but that also a transparent one...but enjoying altogether alone would be looked as quite fishy....

V Rakesh said...

I think its very fine if people involved are close pals! I don't find anything wrong, though I must add that there is always a very thin line that should never be crossed over!

Congrats on the award!

Uncommon Sense said...

such thing always leads to extra matritial affairs after some time... and thats a certainity...

blunt edges said...

congrats on the award n i guess am just way too young 2 be answering that question of yours ;)

Choco said...

Hmmm....I don't think it should matter. But then I am not married. Now..Let me see...
Now one of my guy friend's is married. But. I make it a point to be closer to his wife than to him. Some other friends did not do so and kept the relationship as is and it did lead to some problems b/w them where his wife started liking them less. Now they live in a different city from me. So i don't need to meet up with him alone. And I won't hang out too much minus the wifey cause I don't want to be the cause of any issues b/w them.

That said, I think people should be able to hang out with their friends like before. It tests a basic thing in the marriage. Trust! I would like to be able to trust my partner enough to not care about who he catches a movie or has an occasional lunch with.

Grayquill said...

Great question - Your friend is not being respectful to her mate. And, why does she want male attention from a man other than her husband? There are problems at home - selfishness and unmet needs. - The single guy who is going places with his married friend is showing low character and disprespect for the husband. The question goes far deeper than right or wrong. Humans often try to find exactly where that line falls between right and wrong. When they think they have found it, they want to go right up to the edge without stepping over the line. The purdent person stays far away from the line. The person who crowds the line will eventually step over the line and to his/her dismay find that step resulted in free fall over a cliff.
Both people in your scenario are being very foolish, selfish and disrespectful.

The Survivor said...

@ Rohini

That's the reason

I can understand that people can get insecure if such things happens after marriage.

I guess that what's bring in the question of if people of opposite sex can still be close friends after marriage or does one needs to draw a line?

The Survivor said...

@ Rakesh

Very well put Mate.

Thanks

@ Uncommon Sense

Not always, but it does tend to lead to that road if not been careful enough.

The Survivor said...

@ Blunt Edges

Thanks Mate.

Young? Hope not too young to not fall in love :)

The Survivor said...

@ Choco

You are on the right track :) but not everyone thinks so and yes that brings trouble in a marriage.

I don't think there will be a problem with meeting occasionally but what if the number of meeting increases but over a period of time?

The Survivor said...

@ Grayquill

Put it very aptly.

In this case the husband knows and he does not have a problem with it. The fact is they are close friends and they both are well aware of their boundaries but like I said does the interpretation of such relationships makes it immoral?

Choco said...

In reply; if the meetings increase over time, one can start by looking at the nature of the meetings.
Are they working on some project together? Or is it that they seem to enjoy each others company more. Does he/she behave differently with his/her spouse now?
Is he talking with her over the phone occasionally when the wife is busy or away, which I think is fine. OR is he talking/Smsing/chatting with her when out with his wife like for a dinner/vacation etc.

Now that I have typed all that out I realize that it just cannot be black or white. It is gray. And yes. Increasing interest/closeness does raise eyebrows. :)

The Survivor said...

@ Choco

That's the problem, sometimes even if they are not involved, others might think that way.

I guess relationship between a man and women cannot be spared with a raise of suspicion at least after marriage....

$$ said...

A nice topic of discussion!

However, I feel it (his/her reaction, feelings) totally depends on the attitude of the people involved (husband, wife and the opposite-sex-friend)!

mentalie said...

i'd say your title pretty much says it all :)

Grayquill said...

Yes, the husband knows BUT inside way down inside there is a litte small voice that wonders now and then if it is more than a friendship. The husband feel foolish to object becuse that is so old fashion. In the end, the wife is being disrespectful to her husband.

mohit said...

dude.

I can totally feel the situation.

Will say something here...

Well yea, I was never married....but there once happened to be a friend who got too friendly to my girl.

You know what happened?
No friend..and then....
No girlfriend

Its a comlicated thing...this issue that you've mentioned... and it absolutely depends upon how secure you are in the relationship. Turned out, I lacked the trust.

Its not my fault, you know...it takes two people to build trust.

I'll keep visiting
ciao..

mohit said...

PS: followed u uz of the 'bhakt jano'

Eveline said...

Hmmmm... from personal experience, I can tell you that drawing clear lines between such relationships is necessary. I did have a brilliant, alcoholic, almost engaged much older friend. When it became more than just friendship, i'll admit it was fun and I liked it. But then I didn't. Aren't I the most selfish horrible person to ever breathe? I think maybe yes.

Oh well, you live and you learn, right? Just remember: you asked! haha

Simplicity of Life!!!!!! said...

TRUST is the foundation of marriage!


If someone cannot hold the temptation for few hours then you have no right to stop someone for their desire :)

The Survivor said...

@ $$

Welcome to the den of the Tall Guy

Thanks, it does but it also gets affected by how others interpret their relationship.

@ Mentalie

Welcome to the den of the Tall Guy

I did?? :)

The Survivor said...

@ Grayquill

I would agree to the small little voice. I guess friends needs to maintain distance after marriage especially when it involves a man and women.

The Survivor said...

@ Mohit

Welcome to the den of the Tall Guy

I agree that it takes two people to have trust and totally depends how secure they are in their relationship

The Survivor said...

@ Eveline

Welcome to the den of the Tall Guy

I liked the line "You live and you learn"

Its true that there is a very thin line in such relationships.

The Survivor said...

@ Simplicity

Indeed its true!!

Did not get the last line.

evanescentthoughts said...

I had seen a similar couple who were almost "dating" and continued it after both of them got married to different partners. Everyone felt it was really weird. Trust is really important in any relationship, not just marriage.

The Survivor said...

@ Evan

True

Winnie the poohi said...

Ah this has turned out to be such an hot topic :D

Well according to me.. it doesnt matter whom me or my husband interacts or hangs out with ( not married yet.. myt change in future who knows?) As long has he doesnt hide it from me.

Or as long as i dont feel umcomfortable telling him

If either one of us is uncomfortable with it.. it means our relationship is not secure enough.. and that definitely needs fixing.. though avoiding being with friends is not an answer!

The Survivor said...

@ Winnie

It did.

I agree but things do change after marriage if not from your side then people would certainly makes one.

Its a tightrope to walk on...